Changes!!!?????

First: I finally figured out where I needed to go to change my settings. Anyone can respond now!!!

We are approaching day three and no downs to speak of. Let’s hope it stays this way. The bitch has not arrived yet and I prepared for anything. I hope DH is too. He will be coming off a two day shift . I really hope I can be nice. Sure, it is easy to be pleasant when ya do not have anyone to be a bitchy to. However, I noticed our phone conversation were non-confrontational. That is a good , right? I will try andbkeep an eye on myself and focus on happy thoughts. (Darn, just thinking about how much I must hurt him sometimes is really upsetting.).

Before I forget, I would like to say, “THANK YOU” to everyone responding and giving me some reassurance. Knowing that I am not alone really helps. And it’s really nice to “see” some friendly faces from the IVF board. I am still amazed about how one can connect to others without having personally met.

Then there are my real life almost non-exciting friends. This list has become very slim. I think having moved away from the East Bay made it very hard to keep up with the few friends I had to start with. Now, it involves at least a two ½-hour drive to get to see any of them. Coming over for a cup of coffee and ending up staying all evening just doesn’t happen anymore, unless we plan an overnight visit.

This is not really, what bugs me though, it is more the flaking out on and the minimal keeping in touch part.
Maybe I am super sensitive, but here is a short version of what has been happening recently.

Short version: We kind of made plans for my friend her daughter and maybe her daughter’s friend to come and visit Thanksgiving week (before TG). So we e-mailed: ( she responded after I send links to our home project site)

11/07 HER: Amazing - you 2 soo know how to do this home renovating w/a BANG!! Hey - watcha doing Thanksgiving week?? XXX & I and some friends are going shopping Monday in SF, but Tuesday would be wonderful. Maybe Sara could bring her friend XXXX & the girls can play & play w/the dogs while we do girly chit chat?? I am hoping to be off until after the holidays & would love to spend some time w/you - XXX & I both miss you!! I can bore you w/guy details. Heehee!!

11/08 ME: Sounds like a great idea. Let's do that. This way DH gets to "visit" with you for a while. He'll be working Wed/Thur and maybe Fri. So no Thanksgiving at our house this year:(:(
And as always you know you can stay overnight. The girls can use the bunks and you can sleep in the other room.

She never responded back, so me being meJ I send her this e-mail

11/22 ME: Tuesday has come and gone and no XXX and XXX:(:( sooooo sad. Maybe another day??
I'll be cooking dinner at the firehouse tomorrow. So I need to get cracking and prepping:)
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

(((BIG HUG))) to you both



So finally I get an e-mail back

11/27 HER: Cooking @ the firehouse - have fun!!


WHAT THE F@#@$!! Call me sensitive, but this really pissed me off. This was Monday after TG. And she responds to it as if Thanksgiving is still going to happen. Is there so much going on in her life? Her response did not make any sense. This pretty much tells me I am only an afterthought in her life, if that.

OK, I admit I expected somewhat of an apology for not getting back at me and leaving me hanging like this. Did I mention that this was not the first time this has happened, besides her never showing up on time and I mean never!!

I think we may be approaching the end of this friendship. Kinda sad, because she is a wonderful person (minus those flaws). Unfortunately she is a lot like so many other people; full of good intentions, but never following through.

I am tired of hearing “OH yeah, lets do this” and nothing ever comes of it.

I will b!%!^@ about this and some other things at a later time.

DH will be home soon and I would like to start baking his favorite cookies before he gets here. I also managed to put up most of the x-mas decoration. I have a fire going, and a x-mas CD blasting. So, when he comes home the house is all x-masy and smells yummy.

I am already in a better moodJJ

Maybe I should change the header of my blogg from “Ce sont les jours ce ma vie” (has anyone figured out what this meansJ?) to “These are the things that bother me in my life”. Or maybe “The Bitching Place to be”?

Self-diagnosis

I am feeling much better today. The past few days were not very pleasant. Not sure why I am better today, but I am.
Here is what I think is going on:
It is either severe PMS, much worth than what I usually experience. The physical symptoms came excessively earlier. (My boobs are killing me, which according to my ogyn is a good sign, lots of good estrogen which means menopause is far away. This in itself pisses me off! What do I still have to suffer for; it is not as if I can have any kids. However, that is a topic on its own)
I know one thing for sure; I need to watch my PMS symptoms over the next couple of month. This one has been so bad it scared me.

And this is why I suspect, well I wonder if I could be depressed (yes, I said it, depressed). It is such an ugly word, but not considering it could be a mistake.

I think having an ugly personality during PMS is one thing, but being so sad and crying all the time over every little thing is another. Everything sets me off and no matter what anyone (mostly DH) said made me either really upset, so first I get all snappy or than I cry over being so ugly (you see writing this makes me cry). I am so sad over so many things, a lot of it having to do with our childlessness and so much about knowing how negatively it must affect my relationship with DH.

He does not know what to do when he sees me sitting there crying, unexpected. In addition, the problem being is that I am not sure myself half of the time, so I am not sure what to tell him. I know he thinks it must be him and I am trying to do my best telling/showing him that I love him, but it cannot be easy for him to believe me sometime, especially when I turn around and rip off his head a second later.

However, I did so much as tell him last night that I might be a candidate for some happy pillsJJ. He asked why and I told him that sure, I am having PMS right now, but I think that it could be more, just because of the way I am feeling.

So, I think I will have to make an appointment with my Dr. .Which one should I see my house doc or the obgyn?

Now, that in itself has me worried. How will this affect our chances for adopting a child, a potential adoptive mom having had a consult about depression and maybe being on “happy pills”? I am sure this will be added to my medical history when they update our home study, yet something else to worry about. It is not as if this whole process is soothing to ones mind and soul.

Maybe it’s a sign?!?!?! Maybe it’s not meant to be?!?!?!

...turning into a sob story!!

Thanksgiving was fine. I went to hubby's fire station and cooked dinner there. Not the same as being at home (I love entertaining at home), but still better than being all by myself.
Not too sure what to make of his crew and their family. We'll see how I feel meeting them next time around. (I shouldn't really go by how I am currently feeling anyways)

Sooooo, TG is over and usually I am knee hight in x-mas deco by the weekend. Not so this year. Due to remodel all the stuff is under the house, and there is no way I am going under there to get all the boxes. And DH? He is busy working outside. I so wanna bitch at him (and so many other things as well). Once again it's all about getting things done outside. He keeps forgetting that I am here, inside spending the holidays by myself, or the lack of.
I KNOW I shouldn't complain! I have a husband who actually gets things done, but everytime he dives into a project, that's all he thinks about.

Let's see if he remembers that we made plans to go downtown tonight for the "Christmas Delight Open House". If he forgets I am going to be in an even worse mood (I am currently in in a very shitty mood partially triggered by PMS ).

I don't like feeling this way. I don't like being all depressed over the things that will never be. I don't like feeling this sadness.
"What is the meaning if life?" I ask. What is the meaning of my life? Well, right now at this moment in time, I do believe there isn't any for me.
I don't believe we will ever have children and having children has always been very important to me. I have always seen myself, for as long as I can remember, like this: My loving husband coming home, me being in the kitchen cooking dinner, barefoot (I don't like shoes), surounded by a handful of small children and pregnant with another.

I know, I know, this is so not emancipated. So not what a lot of woman thrive for these days, and even though I didn't have a perfect childhood (far from it), this is what I always wanted and thought it would life be like this.

I am worried that this dream not coming true for me will jeopardize the good things I have in my life.
I am worried me getting into these "funks" will sooner or later have DH say "enough".
I need to find a way to be happy again. I can not remember the last time I didn't cry for an entire day, or laughed so hard my belly hurt. I miss being happy.

For goodness sake, why do I have to feel this way? Is this "MY MEANING OF LIFE"?

My take on the holidays.

I am taking the lead on this topic from my friend “Sue”.

I love the Holidays so much, I usually leave a tiny bit of decoration up throughout the year; nothing too obvious, but something that reminds me of it.
Anyway, Sue I think you are right, I agree with everything you are saying; and I quote your post:

“It seems the holidays are quickly approaching. Thanksgiving is this week. Then comes the hustle bustle of getting ready for an overly commercialized holiday... Ugh! I hate it. The gifts, the fake smiles, the small talk... It's turned into such a farce. The holidays aren't about giving gifts or finding the perfect holiday card to send or decorating your house to the nineth... Those things are all so trivial. But it seems that is what most of the folks out there focus on...the trival.To me, the true meaning of the holidays have been lost. No one seems to remember to be thankful for things. To just take time - even a minute - to think about the things they have and be thankful for them. To pause and think that the crosses that they carry with them could be worse... To sit back and think about how the past has shaped thier life and how they've grown and become stronger for enduring the hardships they've faced. To just reflect and be at peace with things.Let's all take time to thing about the things that really matter and be thankful for one another...”


I have to admit I do get suckered into the “What to give this year?” torturte. But I so love the gift wrapping and unwrapping ceremonies, I don’t really care too much what’s in the gift, I just love to give presents and be surprised. So, if I end up buying DH a whole bunch of socks and wrap them indivudually I will be happy. Sure, I admit I would never not like getting a nice gift (like my Nikon D70 a couple of years ago), but I would never ask or wish or hope for something expensive.
Well, this year we decided to not give anything to one another. First off we really don’t need to, and secondly we are putting our $$ into the remodel.
Ok, this is not completely true. We will be giving each other something, but it will be limited to what’s in our little piggy bank. I told DH last year that I wanted to start up my tradition again. I used to empty out my wallet every night and put all the “silver money” into a piggy bank. The money I saved up over the year was the money I used for buying x-mas presents and that was it! No matter how many people I wanted to give a gift for. You’ll be amazed how much one can save over a year by emptying out the wallet every day. BTW: I always kept the pennies and payed with them so I would get “silver” back for the piggy bank. Just a little trick.
So at the end of each year I usually ended up with more than a dollar a day worth ($365+) and I never really missed it in the first place. I never had to worry about having cash for presents. I think having the feeling of “Where to get the money for Christmas presents this year?” is not a very pleasant feeling and can take the joy out of everything.

I have no idea how much we have in our piggy bank this year, but I know it’s pretty full. So this year we’ll split the content of the belly in two and we are not allowed to go over.

As for finding the perfect card. Well, I love giving/getting cards, but only if I have the time to write and send them out. If I don’t, OH WELL! The last couple of years I have not send out a card, I think! I just didn’t get around it. Maybe this year I will. I do have all the cards I bought from the years before. I should use them. Plus it’s my business to create Personal Photo Greeting Cards, maybe I should make it a point of sending out some of my own creations. And then MAYBE NOT!! You just have to wait and see if you'll get one this year;)

Writing this to help me figure out some things.

I am still unsure about so many things.
I am unsure about making the decision not to consider the little boy we met last Wednesday for adoption. I have been struggling to figure out what exactly it is I am so unsure about?
He is a sweet little boy and he surely did well, considering he had to spend some time with two strangers in an 8x8 cubicle at the Social worker’s facilities. (Which btw had the nastiest, filthiest toys! Which makes me wonder; how come we as foster/adopt parents are being uphold to certain standards, but they can’t provide a clean environment? Maybe I will vent about this in another post).

Maybe I am unsure, because all the sudden they want us to make a decision NOW. The SW is very polite, but she seems very “pushy”. It’s my way or ….. with her. It feels like she would be pretty PO if for some reason we would decide against adopting him after he moved in with us. Not that I would really see a reason this little boy himself would turn into a problem (I only see most of the problems being just the “normal” ones, the ones that come along with adopting a child through the system.)
I am unsure how I feel about this little boy. But how would I know? I have only met him for an hour. I am not sure if I could ever love him the way a child should be loved. How can I explain it? Maybe I am not for the lack of a better word “attracted” to him, maybe because he is a boy? Maybe because deep down in my heart I want a baby, (preferably one I gave birth to). Have I not doubt with our infertility issues? Even that I am not sure about. One thing I know for sure though, no matter how well I have come to terms with it, infertility will haunt me for the rest of my life. It will get the best of me when I least expect it. But I also believe if we manage to have a child, the haunting will be less.

I wonder why is it that if someone would drop off a baby at my doorsteps I would be as happy as a clam? (Hi Esti!! Wherever you are). Or that I would take in a baby as a foster child in a heartbeat. Is it normal to be wanting a baby the most?

There have been other kids I would have loved to take in. Like the sibling set of three (all under 3 years old). Or what about the 11year old child, we were so excited about having her move in with us.

But with this little boy I am nowhere close to being excited? Is it maybe because we have been doing this for almost 2 years and that I have become numb? That I just don’t want to open myself up into caring anymore.
The only time I really thought about how sad it would be to make a decision against him would be to having yet again spend another Christmas without a child. Does having this notion justify me saying, “Let’s try it”? I do not think so; or am I missing out on an opportunity? Is it maybe that the walls I have put up are holding me back from making the right decision? On the other hand, should I maybe take the “let’s try it and wait and see” approach afterall? Maybe I need him to be around so I could make a fair decision. However, would that be fair to the child? So, in a couple of month I realize I will never love this boy the way I love my dogs (and believe me I love my doggies, and I always thought I need to feel at least this much love for a child (and so much more!!!).

To be honest, it felt good not having to think about all of this over the past few days. I went as far as switching our answering service over to the answering machine, so I could monitor phone calls. I just did not want to talk to any of the SWs and having them ask me questions; I just didn’t want to think about it, at all if possible.
Well, I still don’t want to. I think this in itself says a lot. I think me wanting to avoid talking to them is, because I feel strongly about not going forward, but I do not want to tell them. I feel guilty about it, not sure why, but I do. Maybe because I feel like I have been wasting everyone’s time.

Well, the AM stays on for today and I will have DH making the call. I made a decision I am not going forward with this process. In addition, I think we will be cutting our ties with the agency we are currently working with. We think switching to a local agency or directly working with social services would be a better way to go.

Am I making the right decision??

Hellloooooo!!!

Where is the sun?? We were promised sunshine for the next couple of days. I really don't like it being so grey and foggy and misty, yuck! I need sunshine!

Other then that just battleing the dirt piling up during this addition/remodel project.
Not sure why I even bother, but one can only tolerate so much dust.
Plus I do need to keep the house in check, incase we have a child move in with us. Maybe sooner later.
We are going to meet the little boy we are interested in adopting tomorrow. I don't even want to start thinking about too much. There have been to many disappointements, I'd rather take the "let's wait and see" approach. I wish I was more excited about all of this, but like I said....

Ok, back to cleaning and then I'll be starting dinner for Hubby. I found a new recipe "Mac & Cheese My Way". It sounded so delicious I had to try.

Bye for now!

For anyone being interested here is the recipe:

Macaroni and Cheese My Way Recipe courtesy Jan Birnbaum


18 pieces extra-large shell pasta
2 tablespoons extra-virgin olive oil
1 cup tasso ham or bacon
5 large shallots, minced
1 clove garlic, mined
1 1/2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1 cup white wine
2 cups cream
1 cup grated fontina
1/2 cup grated sharp Cheddar
2 tablespoons grated Parmesan
18 medium to large shrimp, peeled and deveined
2 cups gently packed spinach
Kosher salt and ground white pepper
Hot pepper sauce, to taste (recommended: Tabasco)
1/2 cup bread crumbs
1/4 cup chopped Italian parsley leaves

Preheat broiler.
Bring a large post of water to a rolling boil, add pasta shells and cook al dente, according to package instructions.

Meanwhile, in a large skillet, add the olive oil and tasso or bacon, cook until just crisp,
then add shallots and garlic. Cook and stir over moderate heat just until shallots are translucent. Add the flour, cook stirring constantly to blend and toast the flour, about 5 minutes. Add the white wine, reduce until almost dry. Add the cream, bring to a simmer until the sauce coats the back of a spoon, about 5 to 10 minutes. Remove from the heat and stir in the cheeses, shrimp and spinach. Gently stir until cheese is melted, spinach is wilted and shrimp is beginning to turn pink. Season with salt and white pepper, to taste. Season with hot sauce, to taste.

Drain the pasta, making sure to shake all of the water off and out of the shells.

In a large ovenproof baking dish, place drained shells. Add the cheese and shrimp mixture and gently fold into the pasta. Sprinkle with the bread crumbs and chopped parsley. Place under the broiler until the breadcrumbs are toasted about 2 to 3 minutes.


http://www.foodnetwork.com/food/recipes/recipe/0,,FOOD_9936_29054,00.html?rsrc=search

YEAH!!! OH NO???

The work is done(for the sheeting)! YEAH!! We are ready for inspection. Which will hopefully be on Tuesday, not Wednesday. If it's Wednesday we are going to be in a pickle. OH NO!!! We are having our first meeting with a little boy we are considering to adopt. Getting to this point seems to have taken forever. And I am not rescheduling again.

Let's hope I am just panicing for no reason!!

Crummy, Grumpy Day!!

It's icky outside, it's loud outside, I am tired, I have a headache. I want to go back to sleep. But I can't.

DH and contractor started working at the crack of dawn. I went to bed late. DH got up way too early (couldn't sleep past 5am). Rattled up the dogs by doing so. They kept bouncing back and forth between downstairs where he was and jumping back into bed with me.

The boys have the tendency to take over the bed once daddy leaves for work. You could say, why do you let them? Well, I am sure they have figured out that their half asleep mommy has no will power to tell them to get off the bed.

Ok, where was I? Still feeling crummy.

Please let them be done soon so I can go back to bed. I don't like dragging my a$$ around all day with only one thing on my mind. Sleep!
So much I could do around here, but I can't seem to get my head out of the fog. Not even after having that nice caffe latte hubby brought back for me this morning. He is such a sweetheart.

OT: Sometimes I wonder why he puts up with me and my BS. I surely wouldn't if he'd do some of those things to me. But I will leave the "converstaion" for another day. It's going to be one of those days when I need a good talking to because instead of being very thankful and grateful I am being anything but nice.

For now let's see if I can get my booty of the couch and get myself motivated to do anything productive.

Just as I thought ......

DH has started finishing up what the contractor should have already finished. He came home with some kind of a lift/crane in tow, so he could put up the rest of the sheeting/siding on the 2nd floor. Now renting this thing will cost us and extra $180/day. And we need it at least for 2 more days. Isn't that wonderful?!!

And if that's not all. DH told me after coming back from the dermatolgy specilist in SF, that he has skin cancer on his face. WTF, I wanted to scream at DH so badly. And I think he was kinda waiting for me to do so, since I have been on his case about putting on Sunscreen every freaking day. He says it's not "melenoma"(sp?). Well, it's still cancer and it scares the willies out of me. He tries to make it sound so unimportant, his mom and grandma had it, but still ... does that mean you can't try to prevent this kind of stuff, especially since it runs in your family. Shouldn't he have known better?

No point in saying "I told you so". I just have to keep on him to take better care of himself.

You want what?????

I am not suprised, I knew this was going to happen.

Let's see if I can make a very long story short.
We are in the middle of remodeling and adding on to our home. Maybe one day I will have the nerve and tell all about the "downs" we have experienced so far during this process, mostly people related.

Anyways, we are quiet the do it yourselfers, but we also know when to call in the pros. When the time came to frame the 2nd floor we decided to hire a contractor for at least two projects. We agreed on $$ and time it should be finished.
Anyone know where I am going with this?

Well, this was 4 weeks ago. We payed up for the 1st project, even though a few things weren't finished, but everyone agreed that it will be completed during the 2nd project.

Our contractor even said he won't ask for any more money until the work has been signed off. Well, it was suposed to be all done 2 weeks ago. They ran out of time and he said he will finish it over this past weekend.

Guess what? He called on Fri, saying he got hurt and wasn't able to come and finish the job. (Kinda had a feeling this was going to happen. Maybe because he had mentioned that he had plans with his girlfriend and originally didn't plan on coming back til this coming weekend. I guess, he felt bad after I told him, very nicely, that I was very disappointed and that my DH (dear husband)probably has it finished before then.)
Anyways, I guess he felt bad and agreed to finish it up so we can have the inspector come and get some house wrap up ( did I mention rainy season has started and with each day we are behind, we are at risk of having things ruined).

so, where was I?? yeah, we got the call, he couldn't make it. ( sorry, I sometimes have a confusing way of putting my thoughts down)

But he had the balls to stop by today and ask for the rest of his money. Well, I told him I had the money for him this past weekend, but deposited it back into my account since I wasn't sure when he was coming back.
I am ashamed to admit that I lied, but no freaking way would I pay up before he was finished, because we all know that he will probably have another "accident" or didn't feel well enough yet, or whatever excuse, to not show up.

He is planning on coming this weekend, rain or shine. Well,...... should I hold my breath??

I just don't understand!! What's up with the work ethic of some people????

Taking a Break

from designing yet another floor plan. I stopped counting how many plans we have come up with after 200 or so. Maybe I should become a home designer. I am surely not lacking ideas. Between hubby and I we have come up with some pretty awseome floor plans (if I may say so;~).
But let me figure out our home first. Until then I need to channel my creative urges with my photography and greeting card designs.

later! Time to get back to what I was doing before!

Back to blogging ...... again!

Welcome to "Ce sont les jour de ma vie".

It's been forever. Let's see how long I will stick with it this time. I did set this account up a few month back, but never got around blogging a single word.

And now I have to go!