Writing this to help me figure out some things.

I am still unsure about so many things.
I am unsure about making the decision not to consider the little boy we met last Wednesday for adoption. I have been struggling to figure out what exactly it is I am so unsure about?
He is a sweet little boy and he surely did well, considering he had to spend some time with two strangers in an 8x8 cubicle at the Social worker’s facilities. (Which btw had the nastiest, filthiest toys! Which makes me wonder; how come we as foster/adopt parents are being uphold to certain standards, but they can’t provide a clean environment? Maybe I will vent about this in another post).

Maybe I am unsure, because all the sudden they want us to make a decision NOW. The SW is very polite, but she seems very “pushy”. It’s my way or ….. with her. It feels like she would be pretty PO if for some reason we would decide against adopting him after he moved in with us. Not that I would really see a reason this little boy himself would turn into a problem (I only see most of the problems being just the “normal” ones, the ones that come along with adopting a child through the system.)
I am unsure how I feel about this little boy. But how would I know? I have only met him for an hour. I am not sure if I could ever love him the way a child should be loved. How can I explain it? Maybe I am not for the lack of a better word “attracted” to him, maybe because he is a boy? Maybe because deep down in my heart I want a baby, (preferably one I gave birth to). Have I not doubt with our infertility issues? Even that I am not sure about. One thing I know for sure though, no matter how well I have come to terms with it, infertility will haunt me for the rest of my life. It will get the best of me when I least expect it. But I also believe if we manage to have a child, the haunting will be less.

I wonder why is it that if someone would drop off a baby at my doorsteps I would be as happy as a clam? (Hi Esti!! Wherever you are). Or that I would take in a baby as a foster child in a heartbeat. Is it normal to be wanting a baby the most?

There have been other kids I would have loved to take in. Like the sibling set of three (all under 3 years old). Or what about the 11year old child, we were so excited about having her move in with us.

But with this little boy I am nowhere close to being excited? Is it maybe because we have been doing this for almost 2 years and that I have become numb? That I just don’t want to open myself up into caring anymore.
The only time I really thought about how sad it would be to make a decision against him would be to having yet again spend another Christmas without a child. Does having this notion justify me saying, “Let’s try it”? I do not think so; or am I missing out on an opportunity? Is it maybe that the walls I have put up are holding me back from making the right decision? On the other hand, should I maybe take the “let’s try it and wait and see” approach afterall? Maybe I need him to be around so I could make a fair decision. However, would that be fair to the child? So, in a couple of month I realize I will never love this boy the way I love my dogs (and believe me I love my doggies, and I always thought I need to feel at least this much love for a child (and so much more!!!).

To be honest, it felt good not having to think about all of this over the past few days. I went as far as switching our answering service over to the answering machine, so I could monitor phone calls. I just did not want to talk to any of the SWs and having them ask me questions; I just didn’t want to think about it, at all if possible.
Well, I still don’t want to. I think this in itself says a lot. I think me wanting to avoid talking to them is, because I feel strongly about not going forward, but I do not want to tell them. I feel guilty about it, not sure why, but I do. Maybe because I feel like I have been wasting everyone’s time.

Well, the AM stays on for today and I will have DH making the call. I made a decision I am not going forward with this process. In addition, I think we will be cutting our ties with the agency we are currently working with. We think switching to a local agency or directly working with social services would be a better way to go.

Am I making the right decision??